Saturday, October 20, 2018

How To Use A Porta-Potty

There are lots of things to see on a farm.  Bathrooms are not one of them.  These lovely blue things called porta-potties or portables are visible from a long ways off.  Unfortunately, it's the only thing we have at the Pumpkin Patch.
In case you've never used one before, or even if you have, here are the rules on how to get in and out quickly and efficiently.  This is mostly for the women.  Men have it made in the shade.

Rule Number 1 is of course to use the real kind of facilities in your house BEFORE you go to work, at least FOUR times.

Rule Number 2 is to drink as little water as possible.  If it's hot, you can drink more without any repercussions.  Drink TOO much and you end up at this lovely blue line.

Rule Number 3 ... because you can't carry a purse, but need more pockets than your jeans can provide, you wear a Hunter Farms apron.  Be sure and tie the strings with big loops so nothing hangs down.

Rule Number 4 ... breathe through your mouth, NOT your nose.  You will thank me for it.

Rule Number 5 ... take your phone out of your back pocket and put it in the apron.  This is a VERY important step if you ever want to see that phone again!!

Rule Number 6 ... NEVER EVER SIT DOWN.  There have been 500 small children going through here.  Yes they provide seat covers, but trust me, they won't help one little bit.

Rule Number 7 ... take your keys out of your front pocket.  They are going to fall on the floor no matter how secure you think they are.  Put them in the already heavy apron.

Rule Number 8 ... lean precariously forward and semi squat, being sure nothing is touching ANYTHING while you hold the apron full of phone, pens, tokens, chapstick, keys, sunglasses and money to keep your balance.

Rule Number 9 ... use at least half the roll of toilet paper.  You can see through every single piece, so it takes at least 35 pieces.

Rule Number 10 ... carefully stand up and inch forward while you try to get your drawers back in their respective locations.

Rule Number 11 ... get OUT the door before you even touch the items in the apron.  You can now breathe through your nose again.

Rule Number 12 ... use the wash station, even if you have to push the floor pedal twelve times in order to get enough water.

Finally, replace your phone, keys, money and whatever so your apron doesn't give you a horrible neck ache for the rest of the day.

Honestly, I think it would be easier to just hide in the corn field.


  1. Haven't used one for years, so I see there has been no change in the technology. I still use the corn field.

    1. One slight change ... they actually have a foot pump to flush now.

  2. I have used them for years, an hear what you are saying, especially is there is a lot of kids around. But the corn field works well too.
    No you don't want to drop anything in there, not a fun job getting it out, lol...

    1. If I dropped something, it would stay there. LOL

  3. No try all that it 175 degrees inside
    Most large companies that use those portables have one or 2 set a side with the lock for the ,,,help only,,,
    why do you not have one, is the bosses wife that much of a cowgirl that she uses one to don't think so buttercup
    I'll give you a hint if you find one that is handicapped access their bigger and better but that's after you put a lock on it and claim it for yourself

    1. You are SO right. It's sweltering hot inside!! We usually have one that is locked just for staff, but it takes too long to unlock, if you know what I mean!!!

  4. You are definitely right about the odor and how little people seem to have terrible aims. Definitely don't want to go fishing for anything in there.
    Kathy thinks the Corn Field is safer.
    Be Safe and Enjoy!

    It's about time.

    1. They have as good an aim as my little male poodle!

  5. I once read an article discussing a study of all the icky particles that become aerosol when our, um how to say this, effluence hits the tank full of raw sewage in porta potties. As you say, it's no biggie for guys since they don't have their whole backsides & multiple major orifices exposed for contamination by all the flying nasties. For women, it's not only distasteful, it's dangerous!

    I rarely have to use PortaP's now except for one on a sailboat ramp on a TX lake which shall remain nameless. I bought one of those little "female urinary devices" that women backpackers use so I can do it into the porta-potty hole standing up (like a man!) well back from the sewage tank's airborne bacterial stream & keep it in my purse or glove compartment for quick deployment when I'm headed up that way.

    Those devices, by the way, come in all different configurations. Mine is one of the earlier, simpler & most portable incarnations (the 'P-style') but there's apparently been an explosion of options on the market lately that may be worth checking out. Although they don't look nearly as discreet or pocket/purse/glovebox-friendly, they look more fool-proof & probably don't require as much practice at home before use.

    I'd rather never go in another porta-potty at all for the rest of my life if I can help it, but if there's no other option, I'm prepared. Bonus points: FUD's work in corn fields too, with no squatting required!

    1. Well for goodness sakes. I never knew Leilani. I'll have to check it out!! These are actually equipped with sort of flush toilets where you step on a pump-like thing to flush. Still, I'd rather use the corn field!

  6. hahaha thanks for the story and the rules!