Friday, October 28, 2016

Three Fails In ONE Day!!

I knew I was on a cooking roll that wouldn't last.  Three major fails have me back on lean cuisine!

I woke up at 4:00 am to what sounded like someone knocking on my door.  Needless to say I didn't jump up and answer it.  Maybe I was dreaming ... or maybe it was the rain.  Turns out it was the well drillers in the subdivision next door.  BANG BANG BANG!!!!!  There's six new houses on one acre lots.  I've no idea who is going to buy them ... the asking price in over $500,000.  There's no way I was sleeping through that, so I just got up.

You know those clips on Facebook that show those easy peasy recipes that just taste WONDERFUL? Don't believe a word of it!!  This was an easy breakfast idea.  Take Pillsbury Grand cinnamon rolls and put them in your waffle iron.  Mix a little milk with the frosting for syrup and you'll have the best little breakfast EVER!!

Unfortunately, in all my stock of kitchen gadgets, I do NOT have a waffle iron.  What I DO have is a panini griddle.  That will work, right??
Not so much ... they rose so high I had to squish the handle down to flatten them enough to cook.  It didn't mention temperature, and mine was a little too high for sugar, which promptly burned on the bottom.  I had four more chances in the can, but quit after two.  These are the most disgusting things I've ever eaten.  Not even worthy of a burial, they went in the trash can.  Don't bother with this one folks!!
I had been thinking of cooking a big pot of beans like my mom used to every week.  That's what we ate when I was a kid.  When a cow died, it went in the freezer to eventually be served alongside the perpetual pot of beans.    

It was my job in the old days to separate the rocks from the beans.  They must have better equipment because I didn't find one single rock in this batch.  I dumped them in the pot along with water to cover by one inch.  Boil baby, boil!!  Thirty minutes later when it said to add more water, the beans were spilling over the edge of my pot.  Good Heavens they swelled up like a mosquito at midnight!!!

It was then I remembered my mom used to soak them overnight on the stove FIRST!!  I dug out two cups and set them aside.  Actually, I threw them in the trash.  At least I remembered NOT to salt them until later.  After a couple of hours I added everything in the recipe, along with just a dash of cinnamon ... a secret from an old Portuguese cook.  They tasted okay, but what am I going to do with five quarts of beans? I ate a few, put a few in the freezer and a LOT went to the happy hunting grounds in my back yard.
The last big fail of the day ... remember my beautifully carved pumpkin??  I saw a little black around the edges, so I put him outside my front door on a table.  As I peeked out the window, I noticed he was throwing up all over everything!  What?  That can't be!!  He was tilted pretty precariously to one side, so I picked him up with both arms ... he's REALLY heavy ... whereupon he promptly spewed liquid all over me ... I mean soaked to the skin.  
It appears he had been sick for a couple of days, collecting about eight cups of liquid in the bottom, which broke apart when I moved him.  What a mess!!  Nasty rotten pumpkin juice EVERYWHERE!!  I finally got him in the trash can and spent an hour washing down the porch, not to mention me!!  I think that's the end of my pumpkin carving career!!
I picked up a couple of styrofoam headstones to replace the pumpkin and ordered a CD of really cool Halloween music to play for the kiddos trick or treating ... if there are any.  Along with the speakers in the bathrooms and laundry room of my house, I have outside speakers above the door.  I'm really going to crank it up for my neighbors!!  Snicker snicker!! 

You never know if anyone will show up to trick or treat since I'm out in the country.  If not, I'll be trying out more of those cutesy recipes on Facebook for leftover candy.  Stay tuned for THAT one!!


  1. Well look at it this way you're keeping the local grocery store financially stable and well stocked in experimental food
    As Julia Childs used to say you're having fun experimenting with food
    You're also keeping Manny employed at the waste disposal pick up trucks
    You're adding decomposed material to the landfill which indicates of you doing your part on recycling in the appropriate department
    Now not knowing the zoning laws where you live you don't suppose you could get a cute piggy and disguising him with a long tail an Main
    I'm sure your pig,, I mean horse ,,would be extremely happy to see you coming his way and I'm sure you could probably inlist the help from some of the future new neighbors
    A while back we try to find you a nice Russian man toy seeing as how that didn't work out too well we need to find you a nice Italian man toy they can cook. $$$ as an option
    And if all else fails ,,,yelp,,, has a large selection of excellent restaurants

    No Taco Bell doesn't count

    1. You're RIGHT! I never thought I was keeping so many people employed!! I better line up some more recipes to try!!